I remember the night I met you. I was lying face-down on the bedroom floor, bawling my eyes out. At first, I didn’t even know you were there. But after what seemed like hours had gone by, my sobs calmed down, and you put your arms around me, and told me how much you loved me. Oh yes, I had done many things wrong, engaged in activities that hurt you, but you forgave me and told me to forgive myself. I remember that night so clearly, because the timeline of my life shows a sharp division right at that moment. It’s one of those before and after milestones that mark a lifetime. Before I met you on that floor, in that room, I lived with a desperate hollow seeking inside. I had been trying to fill that void - first with alcohol and drugs, later with crazy dieting, and finally, with family and possessions. The problem was, I couldn't satisfy it. I could ignore it for a short time, but I was always aware it was there; I had lived with it my whole life. Then, suddenly, on that night, the vacancy filled in and peace reigned. You were what I sought. And nearly twenty years later, when I found myself crashing to the floor again, my grief raw as I learned my sister was dead, lost to me - there you were again, comforting me and loving me the same as before. Days later, when I dissolved in tears and all I could do was beg for your help as I tried to write a eulogy of comfort and testimony, you responded to my pleas, covered me with peace, and let my thoughts flow. I poured my aching heart out to you time after time for three long years as I tried to deal with the pain of that loss. You never tired of listening to me. You never told me to just get over it. You never told me I had no reason to keep missing her. You never blamed me, even though I blamed myself. You just loved me and calmed me and held me tight. Over and over again.
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It is possible to find a passion in life so big the world fades away. You might not realize at the beginning of the journey how deeply it matters and how much it can overtake you. You push forward, pursuing your dream, barreling over the obstacles and overcoming the insurmountable. You crawl around on a frozen metal floor, exploring the foreign world of plumbing and electricity, pipes and circuit breakers. Your knees ache and your butt and toes lose feeling from the cold. You stare for hours at a diesel engine, yet another visitor from a foreign land. You watch and hold a light and fetch tools and pray that it will start. You drive down the road, following at a safe distance, yet protectively guarding the back of your 25,000 pound dream, refusing to allow another car or truck to get too close: praying the whole time. You go to hardware stores for screws and pumps and battery chargers and heat. You take a deep breath and enter the auto store, throwing yourself on the mercy of the associate behind the counter while bracing yourself for the laughter from the entirely male clientele in the store as you explain your need and bare your ignorance. Yet you learn. You learn and you learn and you learn and the foreign begins to become familiar. You talk to people and message people and connect with strangers and friends alike as you gather donations and support for the dream. You deflect the criticisms and negativity from those who wish to see you quit, or even fail, not even really knowing what to say to them because you understand, without the slightest doubt, you must continue to pursue your dream no matter how impossible it sometimes seems to be. You make countless visits to grocery stores and bulk food stores, and you find yourself carrying heavier boxes and packages than you ever realized you could. You pack bag after bag, silently praying for the individuals who will be receiving the supplies inside. Your mind goes numb and your shoulders ache as the bags pile up - but you continue until they are done. You move and go and think and prepare. You practice lighting pilot lights on a propane range, after muscling the awkward and weighty propane tank into place. You repeatedly strain your muscles hauling a heavy water heater up and down three flights of stairs to keep it safe from freezing at night. You feel the tension of the upcoming licensing inspection, and in the back of your mind you wonder if you are crazy for doing this. But there is so much to do and you push those thoughts away and continue to press on. Your muscles ache, your head pounds, you smash your finger with the water heater and it bleeds, but you ignore all those things and you continue to move forward. I composed a letter in my head when I was driving to work early yesterday morning. It went like this: Dear Person Who Tailgates When The Roads Are Icy: I am writing to let you know it doesn’t matter how close you get to me, you cannot make me drive faster than I feel safe doing. I checked the weather and the road conditions at home this morning and left early so I could adjust my driving. I can see you are in a hurry and are not happy I seem to be driving overly- cautiously. I am glad you feel so brave despite the conditions outside. You are hereby invited to exercise your bravado and pass me at any time. Thank you for your attention to this matter. A few weeks ago while driving on the expressway, a car came up from behind, weaving in and out of traffic and passed on the left. When the driver got close to the cars in the left lane, he tried to weave to the right lane, which was moving slightly faster than 20 miles per hour. He lost control and plunged into a snowbank. Last winter, someone pulling out of a driveway tried to accelerate hard to get in front of me and ended up in the ditch across the street. In the end, rushing caused the accidents that likely made both of those drivers even later for wherever they were headed. Their carelessness also put other drivers at risk. We are an impatient society. Nobody seems to want to get older, but we want everything to happen so fast. We often don’t think we should have to wait, or slow down or give consideration to the lives around us. I was in the Meijer parking lot one evening and a quite elderly woman came out of the store, leaning heavily on her cane and began to cross the parking lot followed by another elderly, but somewhat younger, woman a few feet behind. There was a teenage girl driving through the parking lot and she was speeding and had to stop quickly to avoid hitting the women. Her window was down and she accelerated just as quickly and drove around them, yelling out her window, “*%#$#%# old people! I hate $#*%&$* old people!” I thought my heart might break. How did we get to this place as a society? There is nothing, nothing, NOTHING more important in this life than our relationship with God and with other people. People matter. They matter whether they are family, or best friends, or complete strangers. They matter if they are lovely and young and facing a bright future, and they matter if they are old and worn out and feeling like life is over. They matter if they are angry, rude teenagers, and they matter if they are slow, shuffling and elderly. They matter if they are rich, and they matter if they are poor. They matter if they are dirty, and they matter if they are clean. They matter whether their political beliefs match mine or not. They matter whether I approve of their lifestyle or not. They matter in spite of their bad decisions or lousy attitudes or crazy hair. THEY MATTER. What doesn’t matter is if I am in a hurry, or in a bad mood, or am in the middle of a really difficult situation. It doesn't matter if I don't feel like being patient with my fellow human beings, or if my situation is worse than theirs. Life is not a contest or a game of selection. People are important. Their value is infinite and they are worthy of my love, kindness, and respect. In Philippians 2 I am told to value others better than myself. 1 Corinthians 13 is not just a nice idea, it is valuable instruction for humanity about the importance of love. I pray all the time that God will soften my heart and humble my spirit so I can reflect His love into the lives of everyone, yes EVERYONE, who crosses my path. It is not easy, but it is required. People matter. Snowstorms disrupt life. So do severe sub-zero temperatures. I have to admit, I have spent a lot of time over the past twenty-something years cursing snow. I don’t like driving in it. It seems like every time there is a horrid storm, I absolutely HAVE to drive in it - usually for a long distance, too. I also worry about my kids. Not worry like oh-I-am-incapacitated-with-fear worry, but concern for their safety because I know they are young and might take chances. I don’t like to shiver, either. Hate it. Being cold is one of the worst feelings in the world to me. So I have had plenty of complaints about the snow. But last evening I experienced a different side of it. I went for a short walk to the gym at my apartment complex. It was dark, windy, and snowing like crazy. It was also so incredibly quiet. There was a stillness and hush in the air that caused me to pause and catch my breath - then stand and just soak in the silence. I stopped and opened my senses to absorb the natural world around me. So much snow. It glistened and sparkled like diamonds in the streetlights. An occasional car drove by on clouds of stillness. Everywhere was calm, peaceful white. Wanting to capture the moment forever, I snapped picture after picture. But none of them did justice to the magnificent display of weather all around me. Snow landing on my cheeks was soft and sharp at the same time . I marveled and gazed - my eyes eagerly taking in the magical beauty of the moment. Silent sheets of silvery-white were swirling around and adding to sparkling piles already over a foot deep. There was complete and total stillness as all the neighbors hibernated inside the warmth of their homes and I alone was experiencing life in that moment at that place. I sensed God’s presence filling me and delighting me with nature at it’s most natural. Moments like that do not happen often in a lifetime. Times where the raw power and savage beauty of nature overcome the senses and still the mind are fleeting and rare. But that is what makes them special. God instills beauty in all of creation. Even the most annoying and dreaded weather in the world has a loveliness to it which we humans are hard-pressed to duplicate. I started thinking about the reasons I complain about the snow. For the most part, they are human issues brought about my lifestyle and personal preferences. It’s sobering to think how easily inconvenienced I am. It is even more sobering when I think about heaven and how utterly amazing and awesome it sounds - and then I consider the fact God left there and came here because I am that important to Him. He did that because you have a special place in His heart. When I stop and take time to actually experience my surroundings and absorb the energy of life as it unfolds, I notice God has brought uncanny beauty to the world and quite often, I miss it. It’s there in the budding flowers opening their petals to drink in springtime rain. It’s there in the blazing sun shining over an impossibly green meadow in the summer’s heat. It’s there in the blazing colors of leaves falling on a blustery autumn day. It’s there in a snowstorm that shuts my world down in the middle of winter. It’s a reminder for me I am loved, quiet moments are important, I do not control the universe, and God is always close by. I was talking to my daughter Melodie the other day about how the things we let consume our minds during our waking hours can also consume our minds when we sleep. Not only do they consume our minds - they can affect our behaviors and thought processes as well. I recently started watching a TV series on Netflix. There are many seasons of the program available and I had never even seen season one, so that’s where I began. If you have never done that, I don’t recommend it as a pastime. I enjoy good dramatic mysteries with unexpected plots and the show had a lot of those. It also had a lot of gruesome murder, anger, and swearing. I watched most of season one and started to feel somewhat addicted, but had other things to do (like go to bed and sleep), so I reluctantly turned it off. My dreams that night were disturbing and I woke up frequently, which was upsetting. I also noticed the next few days I had a very short, hot, temper, which is unusual for me - It is out of character for me to become really angry really quickly and that bothered me deeply. I found I was looking forward to watching more of the program, but at the same time I sensed it was not a healthy thing for me to do. Fortunately, I was too busy for a few days in a row and didn’t get back to it. In the meantime, I read Romans 8. Verses 5-8 struck me: “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.” God spoke to me through those verses. I realized in that six-hour stint of TV watching, I was not taking a break from my busy schedule and enjoying mindless pleasure as I thought I was; instead, I was saturating my mind with things which were not Godly and my thought processes were affected greatly by doing that. The thing was - the pull was so strong - I really wanted to keep on watching until I had seen every program in every season of that show. I think sometimes we fills our lives with so much stuff that is ungodly and unspiritual we reach the point where those things no longer consciously trouble us. We become so accustomed to evil its shock value diminishes, and that is not healthy for anyone, although it is prevalent in society. It is especially harmful if you are a person who wants to have your mind set on what the Spirit desires (Romans 8). It’s part of what it means to be living in this world but not being of this world. There are things I have to say “no” to; no matter how much I might want to do them or might want to make excuses for them. I don’t like the results I see in my life when I fill my mind with evil, yet sometimes I do it anyway. Such is the pull. Last year at this time we were a nonprofit organization and didn’t even know it. We had so much work ahead of us and didn’t even know it. We were poised on the edge of a wild and crazy year of blessings and didn’t even know it. When we applied for the 501(c)3 recognition from the IRS we settled in and prepared ourselves to be patient for the approval to take up to three years. We had struggled through several very difficult years and had come to expect the worst of every situation. I had tremendous faith in God - grounded in the fact He was always there when I felt the most alone and had taken care of my needs in such amazing ways throughout the years - but had lost sight of how wonderful and unexpected His blessings could be. And what a year of reminders it has been. Please indulge me as I recount the supernatural blessings we have experienced: First, the 501(c)3 came through a MONTH after we submitted the application. This is the IRS we are talking about, so YES that counts as a miracle and Act of God! Second, Sarah and I were able to get into the Chaplain training we felt called to complete - the first time we tried, the training was canceled and they didn’t know when another would be offered. It was probably the coldest, snowiest week in February and we were blessed to have a place to stay close by for the week. Third, many friends stepped out in faith and began to donate money and ideas and prayers to The Torch. All of them are a blessing, but some have given despite their own needs, and I am humbled by their demonstration of faith in God. I know He will bless them richly. Fourth, we got connected with Craig and Roger - two Christian brothers who are food truck pros. God revealed Himself the night we met with Craig and Roger in Rochester Hills at a crowded diner. Roger, who has been building food trucks for thirty years, listened to us as we shared our hearts for what we felt led to do. He told us he believed he was supposed to help us get a truck because the week before, when he was praying, God told him he was going to build a food truck and give the food away for free. I still get chills when I think about that moment. Then we were blessed when so many friends got involved with a campaign United Bank and Trust was running - we received enough votes to win a check for $1500. We watched The Torch’s bank account grow and every time another donation came in we were filled with wonder and gratitude. Within a few months God moved in the heart of a man - and suddenly we had a donation large enough to move us forward even more quickly than we anticipated. THAT was unexpected and surreal. It is so encouraging to know people who allow God to use them to make a difference in the world. And the blessings go on and on...paint job - check, graphics - check, food and toiletries donations - check, indoor storage - CHECK, so much, so many, so unreal! The beauty of it all is Sarah and Kelly and I and everyone else who is out there donating, praying and supporting get to be part of something that is bigger than us. I don’t for one minute think The Torch is something I have done or Sarah has done or Kelly has done. I believe it is something God is doing. He is uniting an eclectic group of Christians, Christ followers, Believers, whatever you want to call them, who want to show His love in a new way, who believe every single soul matters and who understand how it feels to hang on to slivers of hope when the world seems to be crumbling all around. Merry, merry Christmas to all of you. And thanks for letting God use what you have to offer. I am confident you will be blessed. Deuteronomy 28: 1-6 "If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God: You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country. The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks. Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed. You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out." One of the Christmas traditions my family had when I was growing up was an annual drive around Southern California in search of Christmas lights. With the exception of a year or two - when people didn’t put up their lights in order to save electricity - we made the same trek year after year. My dad knew exactly which houses in which neighborhoods would have the most amazing displays and we would drive for two hours so we could see them all. One of our favorites was a home where they placed in their front yard: a teddy bear, a present, and a doll. All three stood taller than the house itself, and the sight filled us with wonder. At another one, we would get out of the car and walk along a path through the yard to see a variety of decorations set up along the sides of the path while Christmas music blared from the house and lights twinkled. As a child, it was a thrilling time and it seemed like truly anything could happen. My dad worked the night shift and his job dictated when we made our light pilgrimage. One year, he didn’t have a night off until Christmas Eve, so that's when we went. As we made the rounds, my sister and I could not stop arguing. She was being such a pain. I have no idea now what we were fighting about, but I distinctly remember my mom threatening us repeatedly in an effort to get us to stop. I really wanted to make my point, though, which I knew was right, and so I kept the argument going full force. Finally, my dad got fed up and demanded complete silence. He usually stayed out of those things. I tried to say one more word and both parents let loose on me. I finally got the message and closed my mouth. I was so mad I opened my window, hoping the cold air would annoy my sister, and stuck my head out. We were driving through a neighborhood of some unremarkable houses and anger burned in my heart as I idly watched the Christmas lights go by. Then something weird happened. I heard bells. Now remember, this was the 70s and Christmas technology was nothing like it is today. I still have no idea how it happened, but I literally heard bells jingling from somewhere outside the car and I was amazed and awed and my anger quickly dissipated as I strained to see the sky in search of the source of the bells. The sound made me so happy! I never did figure out where they came from - and the memory made Christmas feel so much more wonderful and miraculous. It wasn’t until I was in my later teens that I realized Christmas is not always wonderful, amazing and beautiful for everyone. Magical things don’t necessarily happen just because it is Christmas. I volunteered for a few years as a candy striper at the local hospital. I remember the first time I volunteered on Christmas day - I was shocked when I arrived! I worked in the pediatric ward and there were several children and teens in the hospital, some of them quite ill, on Christmas day of all things! For them, it was just another day of trying to get better. Like most disagreeable revelations, I didn’t enjoy learning that and so I pushed it out of my head for a long time. 1. Be selfish – Okay, keep reading, I mean this differently than the initial jaw dropping reaction this received from readers. Seth Godin says, “The problem isn’t that it’s impossible to pick yourself. The problem is that it’s frightening to pick yourself. It’s far easier to put your future into someone else’s hands than it is to slog your way forward, owning the results as you go.”Be selfish by spending time working on you; get to the gym, read a book, learn a new language, go back to school.
2. Drink water – seriously water is not over rated. When I was in the Army there was a common saying we would often hear - “drink water and drive on.” Sure water is not the solution to everything but it sure does solve a lot of problems, because who hasn’t suffered from a serious case of cotton mouth? So, next time you find yourself faced with a problem, suck down some water, suck up the problem and drive on – you are bigger than the challenge in front of you. 3. Chew with your mouth closed – right now you are thinking of someone who you literally cannot eat around because they chew with their mouth open and not only fear their food is going to land on your plate, but the blood curdling sound of them smacking their lips is enough to make you want to bang your head (or their head) against the table. Chew with your mouth closed, save your head from getting slammed on the table and remember your table manners. 4. Black socks save the day – nobody has solved the mystery of where socks go after you put them in the washing machine, all we know is you put two in and one comes out. There have been rumors of sock aliens, but so far no scientific evidence to support their existence. The solution to missing socks is to buy only black socks, so when one sock goes missing it doesn’t matter; all of your socks are black and by default match one another. Sure, some would argue the same could be said for white socks, but that is not the case and is merely a statement made by sock armatures. White socks tend to have words written on the bottom of them, or weird colored stitches in the toes, black socks however are just black and you know what they say – once you go black you never go back! 5. Floss – Flossing your teeth seems like a waste of time to a lot of people. However, not only will your dentist love you, but you will too when you are old and still have your pearly whites. And remember, your mirror should look like a Jackson Polluck painting after every flossing session, or else you are flossing all wrong. Occasionally, thoughts for a blog get stuck in my head and I have a difficult time putting them together to write the blog. I have started this same blog six different times and it has not gotten off the ground. It is very possible I am overthinking it: I don’t like to offend people and I understand sometimes when I present ideas which do not fit nicely into mainstream thinking, it is possible for people to get offended. There are times, however, when I am just bursting with thoughts about how things are done and I have to get them out. I keep thinking perhaps we are on the wrong track in our approach to Christianity. Pretty much since 1975 when Willow Creek Community Church came on the scene with its contemporary approach to Sunday morning church and grew to its megachurch size, churches everywhere have tried to follow its example. I do understand how oftentimes contemporary business principles can be applied to individual churches and can help them function more efficiently. I also understand how a contemporary approach can help churches attract more members - and from a marketing perspective most people utilize church numbers to help gauge success rates. There’s always a “but”, though. In this case I guess I just start to wonder if Christian society has placed God neatly into a great big contemporary box. Many churches emulate the world in terms of the use of multimedia, contemporary music and an informal presentation of their message - as a result, large numbers of people who prefer those elements are drawn in and ministered to. They join small groups and sign up for ministry and begin to do the things God has for them. Don’t get me wrong here, I do not think that is necessarily a bad thing - a significant number of people attend contemporary churches regularly and feel very at home there. Where the “but” comes in for me is in the assumption if you are not attending and involved at one of those types churches, you are somehow a lesser Christian or there is something wrong with your faith. There is also an attitude of: if you don’t like MY church you must have problems and somehow you need to be fixed. I have been reading all the thankful posts this month on Facebook. It got me thinking about all the great things in my life and how thankful I am to be so blessed. Well then, that got me thinking about the difficult, tragic and ungreat things which have happened in my life. Those are the events which most often emerge as memories when I am trying to fall asleep and cause me to feel regretful or sad. I hate those times. Coming to terms with the painful parts of life is a long and difficult process and it can be a struggle to be grateful for those events. It's only when I start to get past the pain and sorrow I can admit the worst times of my life were the times I grew the most as a person and a human being. I never would have learned the lessons I learned about myself and about life if I had never struggled. Lately I have been feeling unusually down. I was trying to put my finger on the source of my depression. I have a new job I really enjoy and that pays the bills. I am teaching English at a university part time - definitely the most rewarding part time job I have ever had. I love it! My kids are doing well and are all happy. I am looking forward to hanging out with my girls Thanksgiving weekend. I really feel blessed by the church I am attending. I have more friends now than ever before in my life. Life is good, so why have I had this nagging sense of sorrow? When I finished beating myself up for experiencing an emotion I had no right to experience (yes, that’s sarcasm) I finally landed on the source of my depression. Of course! It is November and November is the anniversary of my sister Debbie’s death. There is no denying it - that ranked as the worst experience of my life. Until Debbie died I sailed through life blissfully unaware of true pain. I remember a conversation with one of my friend’s whose world was rocked by a very painful experience at a point in time long before Debbie died. She was trying to describe for me what she was going through and she said she had so much pain in her heart there was no room for one drop more. She mentioned how people would try to talk to her about their lives and the things that were hurting them and she would just look at them and feel no empathy at all because she was saturated with her own hurt. I didn't understand what she meant then, but the morning I got the call about my sister, I fell to the floor crying and discovered an ache which was so overwhelming I didn't think I would ever be able to move again. For three years I lived in a fog and it didn't matter what other people were going through; I couldn't find it in myself to care. What I discovered when I came out of the fog, though, and began to feel again, was a new Rhonda. That horrid experience opened my eyes to suffering around me unlike any video or moving testimony from somebody else ever could have. I realized hard and painful truths about myself and how judgmental I was when other people were hurting. I realized the importance of stopping my busy life completely to try to be there for other human beings. I began to look at people who suffered with a mind and heart ready to serve them. For the first time in my life, I was moved to the point of action by other people’s pain. My relationship with God changed, too. If you have never attempted to do something bigger than yourself; you have never lived. If you’ve not had the chance or the courage or the will to pursue a dream, you have developed the ability to exist, but have not experienced life. If you are waiting for everything in your world to be in perfect order, for the perfect moment in time when the obstacles are overcome so you can then pursue your dream - you wait in vain. It is rare for a dream to happen in the absence of overcoming obstacles and staring down defeat. Instead, I read stories about people who persist in moving forward and finding ways over and under and around and through the dream-killers blocking the way. Have you thought about your dream lately? Have you taken time to write out what you can imagine it might look like? Have you listed what needs to happen in order for you to achieve it? Have you enlisted God’s help by praying and asking Him to show you what you can do with your life? Give it a shot. You might be surprised at what comes to mind. When we originally decided to make The Torch a reality, we started looking for a building in which we could build a licensed kitchen to use to serve children and teens. We prayed and searched for just the right location. After pursuing that, finding nothing suitable, and trying to figure out what to do for NEARLY A YEAR - the idea of a food truck came to Sarah. Sarah was exactly the right person to be inspired with that idea, because she is open and willing to take nontraditional approaches to achieving her goals. When the idea of using a food truck came to her, she owned it and pursued it. Were there obstacles? Oh yes. We didn't know anything about founding a nonprofit organization OR operating a food truck. We didn't even know the initial steps we had to take to start a nonprofit. We didn't know the process or the paperwork or what government entities we had to involve. We didn't own a food truck, didn't know anyone who did and had no idea how to go about getting one, not to mention the fact we were clueless how to utilize one. The afternoon Sarah shared the food truck idea with me, we were eating tacos at Taco Bell. We grabbed a napkin and a pen and began to compose a list of ideas for The Torch as a food truck project. For The Torch, as it looks today, that list of ideas for utilizing a food truck would appear to be the first step in the pursuit of this mission. In reality, the first steps occurred long before we dreamed on the napkin. The dream started to become reality when we made the decision to pursue the idea of helping children and teens with a food ministry and started looking at possible locations. We kept moving forward, despite the obstacles we faced as one building after another proved not to be right for us. There were times when The Torch looked impossible and we thought about giving up. But we were beginning to understand what it means to really live, because dreaming about the potential we could have for helping people invigorated and excited us and kept us moving forward. In reality, even though often it seemed like nothing was really happening, a great deal of something was actually happening. Every time we overcame a potential defeat working with The Torch, we were energized and came more to life. Do you know how important you are on this earth? You matter. A lot. There was a very specific moment in time when the God of the universe called you into existence. Whoever you are. Whatever you have done with the life you were given. You matter. Life can beat you up and wear you down to the point where you forget you really matter. You have many precious and wonderful characteristics which uniquely belong to you. Have you stopped lately to think about that? I would guess mostly nobody does that. For one thing, it is easy to spend time comparing ourselves to everyone else. We take comfort from knowing he/she is wider, heavier, slower, poorer, older, or less-able than us. On the flip side we see those who are narrower, lighter, quicker, richer, younger and more-able than we are. And our ego is checked. But comparing ourselves to others is exhausting. And trying to become less or more like them can cause us to take the focus off what really matters about us. In a classroom one time we were having a discussion about what the students' favorite thing to do with their spare time was. Often a person's favorite things to do in her spare time are things which reflect her individuality even if she doesn't identify them that way. After a lively discussion with the first five students, it was time to hear from the sixth. That individual said, “I don’t do anything in my spare time. I am a boring person. I’m just boring, that’s all.” And no matter how much we tried to dig a little deeper, the seventeen-year-old continued to shrug and hold onto the belief he/she had no interests, there was nothing special about him/her and he/she was just a boring person. Maybe that person didn't want to speak up after hearing what everyone else had going on. Or maybe that person really believed they were not unique at all. It frustrated me so much, because I know every individual is special, but we risk losing our sense of that when we compare ourselves to everyone around us - and I was trying so hard to convey that to the class. Who defines a boring person? Who defines you? Who defines me? There shouldn't be anyone else in my life allowed to do that because my niche in this world is not yours and yours is not mine. If I spend too much time examining the lives of people I meet and know and comparing mine to theirs I risk becoming lost in the hopeless knowledge I will never be what they are or have what they have. Or I will start pursuing an image that was never mine to pursue in the first place and will lose a lot of time figuring out my unique purpose and contributions to this world. I think another reason we don’t take time to examine our lives and appreciate our uniqueness is because we are so busy. We don’t spend much time alone and when we do we are exhausted from our schedules and just watch TV or read or do something mindless to occupy those moments. But I think developing our understanding of who we are and how our differences can contribute something new and fresh to life is critical to achieving the full and satisfying existence we are meant to have. And we should accept the fact what we bring to the table might not be something that will rock the entire world, but our unique contribution is essential to the weave in the tapestry of life. I believe if we impact even just one person in an unusual way because we are unique we have tweaked eternity and mocked those who would make us feel we are not quite what we should be. You matter. You are important. You are unique. You can contribute. How? Make time to figure that out. You have something you are not sharing as you should. Don't let anyone or anything else define you. Share the unique gift you have. Let's see it! I'm thinking about Christianity a lot lately. I have come to believe Christianity was intended to be a lifestyle which has been watered down through the years to a faith-choice. I've traveled religious circles for my entire adult life and the closer I get to God, the more I fear we deceive ourselves. I realize I have erred in my thinking about what it is to be a Christian. I have made it more about the church I attended and allowed myself to feel good about what I have done there to serve God than I have made Christianity my lifestyle. And I think my life has been robbed because of that. 1 John 2:6 says, “Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.” Hmmm. I don’t think I can say that more clearly than John did. And then there is John 13:13-15 ““You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.”” Those are Jesus’ words and they are incredibly challenging when I look at the structure of my life and compare it with the structure of Jesus’ life. What if one of the greatest deceits the Enemy has been able to put over on mankind is the lifestyle of complacency among Christians? What if that has robbed us of the fruit and joy and blessings God holds for us? And we have settled? By causing us to focus on the things we do and don’t do - we are able to feel satisfied with ourselves and overlook who we are supposed to be. I mean, let’s face it, I avoid murdering people. I avoid stealing. I avoid getting drunk. I avoid lying. I avoid cheating. Maybe you have heard the lingo - “don’t drink don’t smoke don't chew and don’t hang around with those who do”? Silly, but a motto for some. I am a Christian and I try hard not to do the "unChristian" things God condemns in the Bible and then I feel comfortable with myself because I know people who do do those things. and I know I'm not like them. So what about the "Christian" things I do? Go to church. Read my Bible. Pray. By doing those things I can feel comfortable with myself because I know a lot of people who don’t do those things. So I'm not like them either, which must mean I am set apart just like the Bible says. Right? I'm not so sure. There are times when I simply sit alone and savor the moment. This early morning was one of those times. We have been so busy lately after work every day scrubbing the food truck to get it ready for today. When you convert a snack foods delivery vehicle to a food truck the major expenses and work involved for the builder are such things as: purchasing and installing appliances; wiring the truck so electricity will be available when running a generator; and plumbing the entire vehicle for LP gas so the oven, stove and fryer can be used when needed. The removal of stickers and other such memorabilia from the previous owners and final cleanup and polishing are not the priority for the mobile kitchen builder, nor should they be. Sarah and I can take care of those things ourselves. And we have been. We are constantly learning new things and have become very flexible in our thinking and preparing for this project. Wading through the paperwork so we can receive the proper food licensing from the health department is also a big chore. We had to wait for a lot of it until we had the actual truck, because some questions can only be answered by seeing the final product and measuring and writing down serial numbers. That paperwork will be submitted soon and then we wait for the health department to inspect and pass us. We also discovered we need a hitch for the truck because the generator will be installed on a cargo carrier on the back of the truck, which requires a hitch. Sarah and I cannot be moving a 200 pound generator around every time we go out to serve. So I have been making phone calls in search of the proper hitch. And I have learned that a step van requires a special hitch, apparently. Which now leads me to search for someone capable of fabricating the hitch we require. We also need to locate the proper hose and gauge for the propane tank. Then, additionally, we have searched far and wide to find an establishment with the capabilities of painting such a large vehicle. Not to mention the time spent seeking out someone to provide the final graphics. There is a process for everything we are doing and it takes time for people to get back with us with information we need. We find ourselves constantly fighting our impatience to get the truck on the road. Sometimes when the prize is so near you can almost touch it, it can nearly drive you crazy. I have been on the phone for what seems like hours these past few weeks, trying to take care of some of the things we need for The Torch now the food truck is actually in Brighton. I was on the phone with an insurance agent the other day and he asked a lot of questions about The Torch. After I explained to him as briefly as I could what we were doing with the food truck, he asked me a question which amused me greatly. He said, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but these people you are planning to cook for, is there a reason they can’t get food stamps?” Now I get that is a logical question and has some merit - but the first thing that popped into my head when the gentleman asked, was Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. In case you don’t know the story, there is a point where some men come to Ebenezer Scrooge’s company to ask for a Christmas donation for the poor, to buy them some extra meat and drink and wood for their fires. Scrooge is angry at their interruption of his work and immediately begins to ask them if something has happened to the workhouses and other governmental establishments for the poor. The gentlemen respond many poor would rather die than go to those places. To which Scrooge suggests the world would be better off if they did die. As a person who accessed the food stamp system I would agree it is a humiliating and frustrating situation to be in. I have never been treated so disrespectfully and rudely as i have by many of the caseworkers who dealt with food stamps. If you make one mistake it’s back to square one. You are denied and ignored and have to spend hours on the phone to get questions answered or help sorting through it all. When you receive correspondence from them you have an incredibly short deadline in which to reply or you start the process over. It is stressful and degrading to go through. Apparently the situation was similar in Scrooge’s day. And I’m not saying people shouldn’t get help through food stamps if that is what they need. Keep pushing through and do it if you need it. I’m also not saying The Torch is a replacement for food stamps or any other support system out there for people in need. We are not. Really? One weekly hot meal? We know better than that. Our goal - as we have stated repeatedly - is to bring a hot meal, serve it to people without judgment, and with a smile and to treat them with the dignity and compassion they deserve as human beings. We want to talk with people and get to know their stories and show them there are people in the world who care. We want our stories and lives to bring hope to others, because every single life has value. Every single individual is priceless. These past few weeks have been both amazingly awesome and incredibly difficult. God has answered prayer after prayer, often surprising me with His timing, always blessing me with His response. As the time draws near for us to start serving God and our fellow human beings with the food truck, the solemnity of the situation is not lost on me. I realize this is a tremendous undertaking with great responsibility. I have dedicated myself to reaching out more and more to God, trying to come into an even deeper relationship with Him, so it is His will I am doing and not mine. My prayer time is longer, my Bible study more intense. I keep my radio in the car on the Christian music station all the time, but have found the DJs to be annoying. I was challenged at church to use the audio version of the Bible on my iphone so I can listen while I drive. I did that this week and it is really helping me to feed my soul. There are several reasons I wanted to discipline myself even more and draw closer to God, especially right now. The biggest motivator is the fact in just a couple of days we will be bringing the food truck to town and embarking on the biggest spiritual journey of my life. Successfully navigating any journey requires nourishment - and I feel like this one requires mega-preparation. I have already met so many new people and allowed so many into my life - something which is often outside my comfort zone. I want my life to show I really believe what I say. There have also been fantastic answers to prayer as I find myself praying in the spirit more frequently. And these things remind me I am blessed and loved and that my life is really not in my own hands. There is peace in knowing that. Having said all that there have also been some very difficult days these past few weeks. I was sick for awhile and that included a headache which continuously woke me up at night. It made me feel constantly irritable and impatient. In addition, there was a cough which is very annoying and lingers still. I am not used to having issues with my health, so it always gets me down when it happens. Then there have been some very tense times as Sarah and I try to sort through everything which must be done and prioritize the needs of The Torch. We don’t always see eye-to-eye about what we are doing and that causes friction between us. Each of us brings unique gifts to this project. It is very clear to both of us we need our Board of Directors to grow and expand so we can focus on the areas God has gifted us for while allowing others to bless with theirs. We know the two of us don’t have all the answers to every question that comes up and we want to be wise as we move forward with The Torch. Quite often each of us have different ideas about how to solve some of the problems we have faced. We have frustrated each other on several occasions and had to take time to cool off so we could re-group. When I was a girl I was a pretty good kid for the most part. In fact, there was only one thing I regularly got into trouble for at school and that was talking too much. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, as I learned with my three daughters, who also talked too much in school. My son was the anomaly of the group. His teachers often told me they wished he would talk more, so they could get to know him. I think living in a home with so many constantly-talking girls just taught him to sit quietly and take it in. His turn to chime in always came eventually and he proved himself more than able to hold his own when it did. A big component of The Torch lies in being able to talk to people and hold significant conversations about what we are doing and why we are trying to do it. I have had zero problem communicating my heart and answering a bazillion questions about it. In a nutshell, I love God, I love this project, I believe God can make a difference in the world through ordinary people like Sarah and Kelly and me, and I will share my thoughts and feelings and plans with anyone who cares to listen. I am just as good at talking too much now as I was when I was a schoolgirl. Which is why Sunday afternoon took me utterly by surprise. Sarah and I ventured on an impromptu drive out to Brown City to take a look at the truck. Roger had informed me the appliances were in and looking sharp and he was excited for us to see it. Walking inside that big vehicle and seeing for the first time the actual stove and refrigerator and work spaces and shelves and all of it at once completely overwhelmed me. For possibly the first time in my life I was rendered speechless. A plethora of emotions ran through me all at once. I was enveloped by the very Presence of God in a way I cannot describe. I couldn't speak, because I was seeing all the potential Sarah and I have dreamed of for such a long time come to fruition. I could imagine cooking at that stove and passing food through that window. And the thought of blessing people over and over again through the work we can do with The Torch just caused my spirit to soar. I literally had no words at all. I could not think of one thing to say which would adequately describe the impact that moment had on me. I stood turning and looking and touching (even though Roger didn't want fingerprints on the stainless steel) and turning and looking some more. I heard Sarah talking and commenting to Roger and his wife Anita, but it was like they were far away. Then it got really quiet and I realized Roger was staring at me, waiting for me to say something. And I still didn't know what to say. I think I squeaked out something like, “I love it. It’s beyond what I even imagined it could be.” But I don’t really know. Even that seems inadequate. He looked relieved, though, so whatever I said must have been enough. I pass a church on my way to work. Well, I pass a lot of churches, but there is one which has drawn my attention repeatedly. They perpetually collect donations on their front porch and regularly hold free clothing and furniture giveaways. They always hold the giveaways no matter what the weather is. And they attract long lines of people. It is a pretty rag-tag crowd which gathers and waits in the rain or snow or heat. I imagine it takes an incredible amount of work to keep up with that project, but they have been doing it for years so I have been told. To me that shows a love of God and an understanding of His commands to us as believers. I got really ticked off one early one morning when I drove by that church and saw a brand new bright red shiny Ford F-150 parked right in front of the doors where people drop their donations off. The driver was out, prowling through the assorted furniture and clothes and toys and loading up certain items. Really? This society seriously has some of the greediest people I have ever seen. If you can afford a brand new truck, you have no business stopping to steal donations which have been left in good faith for the poor. Disgusting. How selfish can we be? It makes me angry and sad at the same time. What has happened in society to drive people to the point where anything about that man’s actions is okay? I don’t understand how he could do it without some sort of guilt pangs. Yet I do understand. We live in a society which has drawn some very political lines around poverty. Unfortunately, if you call yourself a Christian and you also try to be a good citizen and stay politically active, you often align yourself with people who blame those in poverty for their situations and you start to feel justified in not helping. I once heard a wealthy pastor cautioning people about helping a poorer family in the church because he felt they had brought their poverty onto themselves and he believed helping them would justify their actions. I have yet to find Scripture to support that attitude. When I was homeless, I had to go through the humiliating process of receiving food stamps. It made me feel so worthless and selfish, but Maddy and I had to eat. A Christian friend posted on Facebook a long and cutting description of the lazy, no-good people who use food stamps - it was one of those posts that makes people feel brave if they put it up and try to get others to share it as well. And boy did the other Christians jump on that “like” bandwagon. I almost deleted them all from my page, but then realized they were doing it out of ignorance and because of the lack of empathy many people who call themselves Christians have for the poor and not as a direct assault against me and Maddy. “One size fits all” is one of the most ridiculous marketing techniques of all time. In absolutely no area of life does one size EVER fit all. The concept doesn’t even make sense. If I buy a one size fits all t-shirt for each of my four kids it is either going to be to short for Markie or too long for Misty. And those are just my four kids out of the millions of people in the world. That’s also not accounting for taste. None of my four children dresses alike, so if Mom suddenly presented them all with identical t-shirts they might wear them for about five minutes while we were all together, just to patronize me. After that - Salvation Army here we come! One year I made matching sweatshirts for us to wear for Christmas. If you know me, you know I have exactly zero ability to craft, but I worked with a teacher friend of mine and decorated the sweatshirts. Pretty much they wore those bad boys for pictures and that was it. I have to admit, I look back now and wonder, “WHAT was I thinking?” But, it seemed like a good idea at the time. One size most certainly does not fit all in other areas of life, either, and I don’t think it is supposed to. I treasure the fact every individual is unique in appearance, personality, tastes and life experience. We are strange in the United States, because we proclaim to appreciate concepts like rugged individualism yet for the most part, don’t particularly like people who vary too much from the norm. Usually they are considered weird. I have spent most of my working life supporting young people with special needs. One of the parts of my job which has challenged me at times is the part where I have to try to teach them to “fit” into society. Because when you really get to know an individual with autism or some other disability you find a person who has a unique outlook on the world with quirks which can actually be charming when you understand them. But they can be considered weird if you don’t, and one of the deepest yearnings teenagers have is to fit in. So we work at cloaking or overcoming quirks so these very special individuals fit into society. And there have been many times that has made me feel very sad, because in order to help them to a certain extent I have to encourage them to deny who they are. And it feels like a I am robbing them of their personalities. Rugged individualism, in reality, is frowned upon as a lifestyle and I think that limits us as individuals and as a collective society. Well I made a huge Sunday afternoon mistake last week. I went to the apple orchard. Oh my goodness was it ever crowded! On the radio when I was driving home, they were having a debate about whether or not it is too early in the season to go to an apple orchard, since technically it isn’t fall yet. And I thought, “My goodness, I live in America, I can go to the apple orchard whenever I want to!” I went a few times this past summer, I have been there in the winter AND the spring as well. The bad thing about it on Sunday was there are apparently not too many people who feel it is too early for the apple orchard. That place was PACKED. The beauty of going in the summer was I could roam the grounds pretty much in peace, and finish off my walk with a visit inside the little shop to pick up some fresh vegetables and fruits. I got spoiled. On Sunday pretty much all the produce was sold out and every inch of the trails throughout the orchards was filled with people. I did find myself marveling at the people who were there. Everyone appeared to be having a good time. And so they should, because it was a gorgeously warm, sunny day and they were out enjoying nature, whether they recognized it as that or not. Occasionally, we need times like that to separate ourselves from reality I think. Maybe that’s why God created nature. Now I don’t buy the malarkey some people put out there when they claim they don’t need church because they are spending time with God when they are in the woods, hunting or hiking or doing whatever they do. I think they prefer being in the woods over being at church and that statement is just a cop-out to excuse themselves from attending church.. But maybe someday I will meet up with an individual whose depth of spirituality is so evident, it proves me wrong. If you really are heading out to the woods every Sunday or every day and meeting up alone with God - amazing things should be happening in your life, because God is not just another commitment. He is powerful and being in His company changes you in ways you cannot hide. I do think there is value in breaking the routines we face as we spend so much time on our man-made highways and inside buildings. We all need to go outside and enjoy nature sometimes. I was looking at the apple trees at the orchard. They are absolutely brimming with fruit. Isn't it amazing nobody built those apple trees? They were not engineered in a factory and assembled for delivery. They were created by God Who knows how to make a seed sprout and grow into an apple tree which will produce more seeds and fruit for years to come. And if God can do that - He can do anything! |
AuthorRhonda Callanan Archives
February 2022
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