My life has crossed paths with a plethora of people throughout the years, both young and old. And I have known many who have grown up and lived in a bubble of order. They have been protected from the chaos of the world and shielded from experiencing the consequences of their actions. Largely, this happens because they are not risk-takers, they are protected within the confines of their restricted environments and they don’t test the barriers or take leaps into the unknown. Following the path that has been laid out before them by the authorities in their lives, they play it safe, and safe they remain. They live serene and oblivious.
That level of order and organization has never been mine, even though I tried really hard to make it happen. As I got closer to God, and started to understand His nature more, I realized it would actually make Him a lot easier to understand if He truly was just a God of order and organization. But, in reality, He is a God of everything, and that includes the chaos and chaotic people of this world. I used to know people who I hated visiting. Their house was immaculately kept - and you would have never known children lived there. I was nervous every time they invited me and my four kids over, because there was always a possibility something would get broken, or my kids would wander into an area where children were not allowed to be. For that family, it was a place of serenity and peace. For me, it was a little house of horror. Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad, but I cannot live in an immaculate environment. I need a sense of energy and vibrancy around me and if that means sometimes dishes are left out, and the carpet doesn't get vacuumed every day, it’s fine, because to me, those are signs of life and relaxation and feeling at home enough to let it all go for awhile.
I could never simply live a safe life in hopes of gaining the approval of those around me, or to try and avoid getting sucked into the painful chaos of the world. When I chose to start The Torch, I knew there would be people who tried to slow me down, and even stop me from moving forward. And there have been. I certainly did not have every single duck in a row - and I truly had to leap out in faith that it would all come together in the end. Let’s face it, people cannot be put into neat little labelled packages; they are unpredictable and sometimes difficult to deal with and understand. But whenever I take a step into the chaos, and the moment of service is upon me, and things are not going according to my plan, but they come together anyway - in spite of me - and I look out the window and see human beings whom God loves without condition no matter how chaotic their lives might be, I am lifted to a place of supernatural peace and contentment which words can’t describe.
When it’s all over, and I step back into the reality of my life, and the chaos that happens around me, I often crash emotionally - because I know I have tasted heaven and experienced life on a plane that supersedes the natural, and I have felt a sense of belonging which no man made house will ever provide, and it’s such a brief taste - but I can’t wait, I can’t wait to do it again. And those moments cannot be planned.