Life in Chaos

From the beginning of time this has been a world of chaos. I can only imagine the very instant creation began, and it was this dark mass of waters and energy - just pulsating and powerful, waiting. And God’s presence was over all this nothing that was something, and He spoke and the chaos of energy and mass and water began to take form. I have been told repeatedly that God is a God of organization and order - to the point where, for a very long time I did not think He could really do much with me because my life is so often populated with chaos and craziness. As much as I would like to be able to neatly plan and label the circumstances of my life, it just doesn't happen according to plan. I have spent hours planning events and every other aspect of The Torch. Not one time has everything gone according to plan, usually it is according to chaos, and yet it works.

My life has crossed paths with a plethora of people throughout the years, both young and old. And I have known many who have grown up and lived in a bubble of order. They have been protected from the chaos of the world and shielded from experiencing the consequences of their actions. Largely, this happens because they are not risk-takers, they are protected within the confines of their restricted environments and they don’t test the barriers or take leaps into the unknown. Following the path that has been laid out before them by the authorities in their lives, they play it safe, and safe they remain. They live serene and oblivious.

That level of order and organization has never been mine, even though I tried really hard to make it happen. As I got closer to God, and started to understand His nature more, I realized it would actually make Him a lot easier to understand if He truly was just a God of order and organization. But, in reality, He is a God of everything, and that includes the chaos and chaotic people of this world. I used to know people who I hated visiting. Their house was immaculately kept - and you would have never known children lived there. I was nervous every time they invited me and my four kids over, because there was always a possibility something would get broken, or my kids would wander into an area where children were not allowed to be. For that family, it was a place of serenity and peace. For me, it was a little house of horror. Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad, but I cannot live in an immaculate environment. I need a sense of energy and vibrancy around me and if that means sometimes dishes are left out, and the carpet doesn't get vacuumed every day, it’s fine, because to me, those are signs of life and relaxation and feeling at home enough to let it all go for awhile.

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We are all different, we all have our preferences and likes and dislikes. I understand that. I get that there are people who can barely function when things do not go according to plan, and who need an established routine and order in their lives. I do not think they, in some way, by escaping the chaos of the world, are more blessed than those whose lives are immersed in it. The past few months of my life have flown by in a whirlwind of crazy, hectic events. Yesterday, I told Sarah I thought we should write a list of goals so we could measure what we are doing in an orderly way and keep track of our achievements. She said, “We did that already! Don’t you remember? Let me get it!” She searched for a few minutes on her tablet, then started to read them silently to herself. All of a sudden she exclaimed, “We are blowing right through them!” We had set the goals for 2014-2015, and here we are, barely halfway through 2014, operating in what often felt like a madhouse of chaos, and we had accomplished almost every single goal we set. It doesn’t always seem possible, but a certain order comes out of the chaos. I think goals are great - but if Sarah and I had been content just to keep looking at that list and methodically working on it, we might have been satisfied with achieving the things we have done in six months over the course of 24 months. Sure, life would have moved more slowly and in order, but we would have missed out on some great opportunities and blessings as we realized, according to our goals, there was no rush, and therefore, no reason to occasionally do something we had not planned to do. And those unplanned, unexpected, events and opportunities have often opened the most amazing and helpful doors.

I could never simply live a safe life in hopes of gaining the approval of those around me, or to try and avoid getting sucked into the painful chaos of the world. When I chose to start The Torch, I knew there would be people who tried to slow me down, and even stop me from moving forward. And there have been. I certainly did not have every single duck in a row - and I truly had to leap out in faith that it would all come together in the end. Let’s face it, people cannot be put into neat little labelled packages; they are unpredictable and sometimes difficult to deal with and understand. But whenever I take a step into the chaos, and the moment of service is upon me, and things are not going according to my plan, but they come together anyway - in spite of me - and I look out the window and see human beings whom God loves without condition no matter how chaotic their lives might be, I am lifted to a place of supernatural peace and contentment which words can’t describe. 

When it’s all over, and I step back into the reality of my life, and the chaos that happens around me, I often crash emotionally - because I know I have tasted heaven and experienced life on a plane that supersedes the natural, and I have felt a sense of belonging which no man made house will ever provide, and it’s such a brief taste - but I can’t wait, I can’t wait to do it again. And those moments cannot be planned.